The last thing that I want to do with this blog post is generate concern, so here is a bit of a disclaimer. I am fine. I will be fine. I’ve just had the misfortune of running into a case of the sads. I’ve had this feeling before and I’ve always gotten through it. So, here’s the story.
Lately, I’ve been catching myself starting far too many sentences with, “I want…” I’m not sure when these overwhelming desirous feelings began seeping out, and never did I consider that the more I said that I want something else, the less I was grateful for what I already had. Desire was the beginning.
Envy came next. I looked around at all the wonderful things that people had in their lives, never stopping to think about how hard they must have worked for it and what they must have sacrificed. All I could think is “why can they have that and I can’t?” I was envious of some people’s freedom and of other’s homes and children, their vacations, and I felt sick with envy.
Soon, I was powerless to stop either of these heartless emotions from bubbling up, and I let them take over. I could feel myself being a terrible person. Sometimes, I felt completely disconnected from things I said or did, and I winced with every hurtful word I may have used to make myself feel better.
I was growing bitter and spoiling. And it SUCKED! I didn’t want to be on the outside looking in anymore. I wanted to be happy again. I finally broke down, to the only person I could ever break down to, the one who wouldn’t judge me, but would be the most hurt by these awful things: my poor Dan.
It must be shocking to hear your wife say that she is unhappy. I know it would break my heart if Dan said that to me. But I tell him that it isn’t his fault, and it’s not. It’s my own fault that I let these feelings creep up on me. It’s my own fault that I let them fester instead of recognizing for what they are: Temptation and evil.
Now I let all those feeling go, by acknowledging that they existed and acknowledging what a jerk they made of me, but the real work is ahead. I can’t only focus on my physical well-being. There is no purpose in having a healthy body if I turn my back on a healthy mind, and, today, I begin to strive for an overall healthy well-being.
I don’t want to break down again or hurt the ones I love, and I don’t have time for it. Life is too short to focus on what I don’t have when I must focus on all the truly wonderful things that I do have. I understand that feelings of envy, anger, and desire are normal and human, but holding onto them and letting them overcome me is not healthy. It’s OK to want, but it’s not OK to let the wants cloud the needs. I also acknowledge that because I want something doesn’t make it mine. Sometimes there is sacrifice and often there is hard work.
So, I want to be happy again. It’s going to take work and sacrifice. Just like getting in better physical shape there needs to be a plan. Here’s this week’s physical and mental wellness plan:
Monday: Yin Yoga, a meditative yoga which blends the needs of the body with the needs of the mind.
Tuesday: 3 Mile run
Wednesday: Strength training and one chapter of this book followed by 15 minutes of meditation.
Thursday: 3 mile run
Friday: Buddhist Practice
Saturday: 4 Mile run
Sunday: 50 Minute cross training
So, why write about this on a blog, for everyone to see? Because I believe that mental well-being is just as important as physical well-being. There’s a lot of stigma placed on mental health, and it’s a shame because I don’t think that there is one person in the world who has been happy 100% of their life, not even my hero, Mister Rogers. Mister Rogers even once said, “There is no normal life that is free of pain. It’s the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth.”
I’m ready to wrestle and I’m ready to be the best me: Mindy, body and soul.